E-book Sales Rose 167% in May

E-book Sales Rose 167% in May

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Why I Write

I was recently asked why I spend so much time writing...why I have written my whole life...why I feel the need to write. The answer was simple:

“I write because I can’t NOT write. I love it and I loathe it. It lifts me up and it burdens me. It hollows out my insides and it fulfills me. It is a consuming passion, driven not from a choice but from an endless craving. To ask me not to write would be asking me not to breathe.”

A Contest Finalist

My novel, No Easy Way, has been selected as a finalist in the Heart of Denver Romance Writers Contest. I am excited to make the finals and honored to attend the award ceremony and conference on October 23rd.

Congratulations to all the finalists!!

A "Novel" Notion

I am very excited as I have signed a Publishing contract today for my novel entitled, No Easy Way. It is a romantic suspense story guaranteed to keep you guessing, as missing evidence, mistaken identity and manipulation leave characters trapped between white lies and dark lusts. Tension mounts as lives hang in a twisted balance of crossed lines and misunderstood motives, all pointing to one simple truth. There is No Easy Way.

Look for the Ebook release late October 2010!

Don't Plan A Break

Every so often husbands get the notion that their wife needs "a break." This is a wonderful idea on paper and if it stopped right there they would earn brownie points galore. If they took that idea and did nothing more with it than say, "Honey, I'm taking the kids out for the next six hours. Enjoy yourself." It would be sheer bliss and they would indeed be blessed by our gratefulness later.(nudge,nudge...wink,wink) Sadly, the idea doesn't stop there. It travels through their male, over-logic-sized brains and they develop, oh no, here it comes... a PLaN! Yes, they've come up with the perfect way for their wife to enjoy herself and her free time. Afterall, they gloat to themselves, they know exactly what their wife likes to do or needs at every moment so they are the most qualified candidate to make these choices for her. So it goes, the once pure motive of providing a much needed break spirals out of control and ends up causing more tension than that which was already in the home. In the end the husband sits, dumbfounded as to why his wife is pissed off at him yet again. So, for all of you good-hearted husbands with great ideas and crappy follow-through, let me offer this advice. When your wife needs a break give her nothing but a break. Don't send her to the mall with a gift card, for she may not feel like shopping. Don't set up a lunch for her with girlfriends she hasn't seen in a while, for she may not feel like being sociable. Don't run a hot bath with bubbles and candles, for she may have wanted to color her hair before bathing. Don't order up a day at the spa, for she may not be in the mood to be rubbed and poked and have blackheads extracted. I understand it goes against the male wiring of wanting to "fix" what feels broken, but sometimes being broken is a natural part of womanhood. Sometimes our needed break is simply time to read, to listen to our own music, to write something, to lay in our jammies and pray or dream and think thoughts that are uninterrupted by the demands of our husbands and children. Sometimes the break we need is simply a chance to breathe.

Take the children out and give us the six hours of freedom...that alone will restore our strength, calm our souls and win you the gratefulness you deserve.

... this path again

Trapped in a life I can't call my own
wondering if I'll ever feel "home"
in my own skin
the battle begins...
and it rages in my veins
I can't walk this path again.

Walls closing in, I'm trying to breathe
but the air I inhale suffocates me;
plagued by treason
and seeking the reason
so I might understand
why I'm on this path again.

...and I pray

Sometimes the loneliness
overtakes me
and I find myself
dropping to my knees
and I pray
help me thru the day.

My strength is gone
I'm overcome and weak
I know I must hold on
and get back on my feet
so I pray
help me thru the day.

Sadness pulls me down
I can't escape it's grip
I'm on the battlefield
but I'm unequipped
so I pray
help me thru the day.

When the morning light
opens up my eyes
I try with all my might
to conceal my cries
and I pray
help me thru this day.

The Treasure of My Soul

It is human nature to be wooed by the exterior pleasures in this world. We all want nice things, prestige, more money, success, achievements and awards. We all want to be accepted among the popular people, hob-knob with the stars and rub elbows with the rich and famous. We strive toward excellence and create the image of ourselves we want the world to see. We manufacture a facade with all the stuff we've accumulated, and all the titles we hold. It is a natural desire within us to want more and this desire got me thinking...

When I close my eyes and sit alone in silent reverence I realize all of those things fade away and what is really important rises from the corners of my heart to the surface. I begin to understand that the things that influence me, strengthen me, support me and guide me aren't really "things" at all. Success and failure, money, prestige, reputation and recognition have all shaped me, but they are not the things that make me who I am. Faith plays a much greater role than all of those things put together, for without it I cannot endure. The people in my life that have shared tender moments, brought comedy and insight, and loved me despite my many infractions are worth more than a thousand trophies. I conclude that God has richly blessed me beyond the fleeting joy any material possession or title could bring. A smile fills my face as I realize this is the treasure of my soul. ~

CockTail

There is no question with every alcoholic drink the people around you become more exciting and better looking. I don't know about you but in the stupidity of my youth I've had a couple wake-up-the-next-morning experiences where you wonder what the hell kind of beer-goggles you were looking through. As I listened to a friend rant about the embarassment she felt after having too many cocktails, it got me thinking...

The word Cocktail alone defines the intention of an evening with too much liquor. For as the drinks go down smoother and faster, they lighten the load of inhibition and free the mind of pre-existing moral standards. As the evening progresses you learn to share the cocktail... she gets cock and he gets tail. :)

Who God Made Me

A woman commented to a friend of mine, "God made you the way you are and that's the way you're supposed to be." It got me thinking...

I've been many things during different phases of life. I was a drug user. I was a smoker. I was a vegetarian. I am none of those things now. So, I pondered, was I "who God made me" when I was a meth using, chainsmoking vegetarian? Or am I today "who God made me", a coffee drinking, filet mignon loving, soccer mom? The answer must clearly be both. "Who God made me" shouldn't be judged by whether I fit the mold, follow the current or adhere to the regulations of the religious right. "Who God made me" is the ever-changing, always growing person I am on the inside.

Of one thing I am certain, if you're busy judging "who God made me" based on what you see on the outside, then who God made you is too shallow. ~

"Ass" Making Moments

Some people may not admit to them, but we've all had moments when we've made an ass of ourselves. For various reasons we can no longer contain the frustration, the anger or the intensity of emotion we feel, so we lose it. We cry. Scream. Throw things. Kick. Lash out. There's gnashing of teeth and the yelling of phrases that will undoubtedly bring regret the moment they leave our lips. These are not planned breakdowns. They are spontaneous meltdowns, wherein all capacity for logic and proper behavior vanish. And woe to the soul who tries to argue with you during this moment of madness. You spew forth every vial aching you've ever felt while they defend themselves. You spitefully throw adjectives while they dodge proverbial bullets. All the while knowing every attempt is futile. When the anger subsides the remorse is overwhelming as you fall into a heap of tears on the floor and sob as if something in you has curled up and died. I know this feeling all too well. You went off the deep end, plunged over the edge and now nothing can take back the words and actions from that moment of madness. "I'm sorry," doesn't seem to say enough, but what else is there to describe the regret you feel?

I have made an ass out of myself in more ways and at more times in life than I want to think about. I've "lost it" so many times. I think it happens because things pile up in our hearts and we become like literal time bombs just waiting to explode. One comment here. One wounding remark there. One situation that makes you feel less than adequate or downright stupid. One circumstance that leaves you frustrated. One moment where you felt blown off. One instance where your heart was left unnoticed. By themselves, these are all little things. But when they pile up in your soul they become this mountain of emotion that eventually comes screaming out. It's the fraility of humanity. We are not designed to walk through this life without Divine intervention and strength. I believe there will always be those "ass" making moments of madness... but I pray as I age there will be less of them as I grow in God's grace. And I pray there will be forgiveness from those around me when I do teeter on the edge and fall off into the angry abyss now and then.

When you land on your ass try to remember that's why God gave you an ass... because He knew we would fall and we'd need something squishy to cushion us. Then dust off that butt and get back up! ~

Lose Your Mind

It is said that one must know darkness to appreciate light. That people cannot fully experience love without tasting the bitterness in rejection. "You never know what you've got until it's gone," is a common expression. We've all heard these things but what do they really mean? I think they foreshadow a recognition deep within us... a knowledge of a longing for love that is fuller than human expression. I think it is when we come to the realization that we are disconnected from our Creator and we reach to Him that we find fulfillment in the reconnection. When we realize we have been lost is when we appreciate what it means to be found. When we experience the fullness of the love of Christ in our hearts is when we understand the emptiness of a life without Him. We understand sight by first closing our eyes and understanding blindness. There are moments in life when we have to lose our minds to come to our senses. If logic stands in the way of you embracing God's grace, than lose your mind and come to your senses. Stop thinking and let yourself feel. Then you will know the substitute from that which is real.

Depression's Deep Hole

Several friends have been suffering from recent bouts of depression. I know all too well the hopelessness they feel. There is nothing more overwhelming than being controlled by depression. You can be fine one moment and it will blindside you the next. You can be happy on Monday and on Tuesday you can hardly get yourself out of bed. There is no rhyme or reason for its onset. There is no logical pattern for its existence. Depression comes and goes as it pleases. It hurts you because it destroys you from the inside out. Make no mistake... depression is a destructive force, a would-be killer, and it is not something you should attempt to tackle on your own. Depression is a disease. Fight it like you would fight any other physical disease... with a doctor's care, with the support of family and friends, with prayer and diligence. Depression is not a sign that a person is crazy. It merely signifies that a person is hurting and needs help to overcome.

I spent years fighting depression and there are still times when it tries to take hold of me again. To those of you battling it now, let me encourage you to remember God is greater than any circumstance in your life and more powerful than the grip depression has on you at this very moment. I've walked in your shoes. I've curled in a ball in my closet sobbing until my body ached, and prayed to die. I've felt the shame that comes with feeling like eveyone thinks you're crazy. I've sat motionless for hours, staring thru glassy eyes, unable to function, much less to live. I understand the depth of sadness you feel and I know it seems like it will never go away. But it will. If you grab the hand of Jesus, He will walk with you through the darkness and you will once again bask in the light of joy and feel the weight of depression lifted from you. The darkness of depression cannot exist in the midst of God's light. Reach to Him and He will rescue you. You are in my prayers.

The Only Judge That Matters

A friend of mine told me about a situation in which she was unrightfully judged. Motive was assigned to her actions and intent placed by others in her heart. The truth is she did not possess wrongful motive nor hurtful intentions.

This got me thinking, how does a person convince others when heart's intent cannot carry a visible burden of proof? Our world is jaded. Each of us has been lied to and hurt by others and so we live guarded. Each of us has made mistakes in the past, and so we live under the scrutiny of those around us. When something doesn't look right our first inclination is to assume it is wrong. We exist in protective mode because people are prone to judge and leave. We naturally push away that which we don't understand because we fear it. It goes without saying our world is dangerous and to some degree we must take precautions, but there is a vast difference between taking precautions and making unjust accusations. There is a difference between running blindly from the unknown and standing still long enough to observe the source of the unknown. You may discover the source itself is pure even though the actions appear otherwise.

My past is packed with mistake after mistake after mistake. It hurts when my present existence is judged based on my past behavior. Despite what others may think of me, my heart has never been one of malice. People don't easily forget our mistakes do they? Thankfully God has the ability to look past actions and directly into our heart. Despite our wrongdoings, He sees the deepest thought behind every move. He knows. I cling to this because there are moments when it feels He is the only one who believes in me...as I cannot even see beyond my own failures. The people who judge us the most are often times the same people who love us best. That's why it hurts so deeply. I surrender to God's forgiveness and His view that sees beyond the weakness of humanity, and there I find peace and strength. God is not only the only One to rightfully cast judgment, but He is the only judge that truly matters. ~

Tender Spots of Letting Go

Often times loving someone means letting go. In fact, when I look at life it seems it is all about letting go. We hold our children's hands as they grow, with the knowledge of the inevitable before us... knowing all the while we will have to let them go...let them live their own life. It creates tender spots in a parent's soul. We hold our own parents and grandparents until the inevitable affects of aging creep in and steal them from this world. We let go, knowing it is the natural course. But it creates tender spots in a child's spirit. We cling to those we love with longing and affection, all the while understanding it is only until "death do us part"... knowing one of us will have to let go first. It creates agony in a lover's heart. In the end, we too will release our grasp on life itself and let go. Life is all about loving and letting go...and sometimes the lesson is simply in learning to love someone enough to peacefully let them go. It creates tender spots in an entangled soul.

Cosmetic Christians

I have several friends who have undergone cosmetic procedures to enhance their physical appearance. I myself had a nose job in 1999. As a Christian there were people around me who questioned whether cosmetic surgery was the "right" thing to do. "Shouldn't we be satisfied with the way God made our bodies," one woman suggested to me with a hint of condemnation. Recently I've given this topic a lot of thought, as one of my girlfriends is deeply struggling with negative results of cosmetic adjustments. I have concluded that we should indeed be thankful for what God has given us and for the incredible detail in which He has designed our bodies to function, grow and heal. However, I do NOT believe we should sit back and pretend to be satisfied when we are not. Self-esteem, particularly for women, is an uphill battle from the time we reach puberty until the day we die. Women obsess about weight, pimples, wrinkles, breasts sagging, flabby arms, chubby thighs, muffin tops...you name any physical issue and there is a woman somewhere obsessing about it. We need to take responsibility to the degree that we take care of our bodies, eat right, exercise, take vitamins, etc. But when a physical condition becomes something you cannot control, and it is something that dampens your self-worth, I believe the "right" course of action is to take action. For me, it was a nose job. For over twenty years people teased me about my nose. Though I laughed off their jokes, inside it wounded me. Several of my girlfriends have had breast implants, one has had a breast reduction, numerous ladies I know use botox on a regular basis, have had face lifts, eyes lasered, tummy tucks, liposuction and vericose veins removed. I applaud each one of them.

Ladies, we all shave, wax, pluck, color, moisturize, peel, suck it in and cover whatever we feel we need to on a daily and nightly basis. Aside from cost, what is the difference between a surgical, lasting procedure and the procedures we perform on ourselves every day? Both are methods of beauty enhancement. How can there be condemnation in one and not in the other? Honestly, I don't think God cares either way. I think His concern is your heart and your relationship with Him. If you pray to Him with plump lips or thin lips, it doesn't matter. If you love Him as a size 4 or a size 14, it doesn't matter. If you kneel before Him with chubby thighs and a muffin top or with teeny titties and a flat belly, He loves you the same. There are no spiritual ramifications regarding external beauty enhancement whatsoever.

"Isn't it vanity?" I've heard that question a hundred times. The answer is simple. Yes. It is vanity, and if you read the words of King Solomon you'll understand that everything in life is vanity. The car you drive... vanity. The clothes you wear...vanity. The house you live in...vanity. So, before shaking a finger and muttering judgmental words about how true beauty is on the inside and only vain people get cosmetic surgery; look around you and cast the first stone... but before you throw it, I'd seek cover because that glass house is coming down. ~

Daisies

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes
like these teardrops on my lashes
will dry up and cease to be
so will painful memories...

In their place will grow a flower
as a sign of God's great power
when His faithfulness He shows me
in the daisies He grows me.

Live Your Lie

One day you wake up to find
You don’t know where you lost the time
The years are faded memories.

Your kids are grown
You’re all alone
You have a house but where is home
Just memories.

And in your heart that open wound
You told yourself would heal real soon
Is festering.

You have it all people say
But what do they know anyway
Your crippled inside.

And with that smile plastered on
You tell them there is nothing wrong
You know how to hide.

Conceal the anguish, mask the pain
And beg the Lord for strength again
You’re weakening.

Close your eyes, try not to see
You must escape this agony
For one more day, one more day
Push the flowing tears away.

“Never let them see you cry”
Be tough.
Be strong.
Live your lie.