Wednesday, September 2, 2009

"Ass" Making Moments

Some people may not admit to them, but we've all had moments when we've made an ass of ourselves. For various reasons we can no longer contain the frustration, the anger or the intensity of emotion we feel, so we lose it. We cry. Scream. Throw things. Kick. Lash out. There's gnashing of teeth and the yelling of phrases that will undoubtedly bring regret the moment they leave our lips. These are not planned breakdowns. They are spontaneous meltdowns, wherein all capacity for logic and proper behavior vanish. And woe to the soul who tries to argue with you during this moment of madness. You spew forth every vial aching you've ever felt while they defend themselves. You spitefully throw adjectives while they dodge proverbial bullets. All the while knowing every attempt is futile. When the anger subsides the remorse is overwhelming as you fall into a heap of tears on the floor and sob as if something in you has curled up and died. I know this feeling all too well. You went off the deep end, plunged over the edge and now nothing can take back the words and actions from that moment of madness. "I'm sorry," doesn't seem to say enough, but what else is there to describe the regret you feel?

I have made an ass out of myself in more ways and at more times in life than I want to think about. I've "lost it" so many times. I think it happens because things pile up in our hearts and we become like literal time bombs just waiting to explode. One comment here. One wounding remark there. One situation that makes you feel less than adequate or downright stupid. One circumstance that leaves you frustrated. One moment where you felt blown off. One instance where your heart was left unnoticed. By themselves, these are all little things. But when they pile up in your soul they become this mountain of emotion that eventually comes screaming out. It's the fraility of humanity. We are not designed to walk through this life without Divine intervention and strength. I believe there will always be those "ass" making moments of madness... but I pray as I age there will be less of them as I grow in God's grace. And I pray there will be forgiveness from those around me when I do teeter on the edge and fall off into the angry abyss now and then.

When you land on your ass try to remember that's why God gave you an ass... because He knew we would fall and we'd need something squishy to cushion us. Then dust off that butt and get back up! ~

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