Dancing by the Firelight

A long time ago a friend of mine wrote me a letter. In this letter they warned me not to "dance with the devil and expect to spin away untainted." Truer words could not have fallen on deafer ears at that particular moment in my life. Still, I kept this letter. Twenty years passed. My youthful outlook has faded. My untouchable attitude has been squashed. I read this letter again, but this time through the eyes of a woman who has danced with the devil and possesses the scars to prove it. A woman who has laid at the feet of the seducer and pleaded for mercy or death, caring not which one was extended. A woman with a longer list of sins then most, if not all of you, reading this blog. A woman who looks back and sees the girl who could not show love because of her own self-hatred. A woman who sees the mirror image of a life that could have been if only she hadn't allowed the girl to hide in shame. A woman repulsed by the choices of the past. And who wishes the girl would have taken that letter to heart... listened when she had the chance and had the courage to speak truth when it needed to be spoken.

We all have regrets about our past. We all wonder "what if' or ponder what could have been. I hear people say, "I don't regret the past because it shaped who I am today." I admire the peace in these people, though I cannot relate to them. I can't get my head around this statement. I regret the sins of my past. Period. I regret things I did wrong as well as wrong things that were done to me. I am who I am today solely by the mercy of God and by His hand on my life. I am grateful for this more than words can express. Even so, I cannot help but wonder how much did I miss out on while I was dancing with the devil? How could God have been using me for the purpose of good while I was being beaten down by wrong choices and embittered emotions?


The Eagles sing a song entitled "Get Over It." My favorite line in this song is: "you bitch about the present and blame it on the past, I'd like to find your inner child and kick it's little ass. Get over it!" I feel empowered by that line! Yes, I regret the past, but I refuse to wallow in that regret. Yes, I wish I had been a better person, but I use this feeling to motivate me to be a better person today. I remember the past only as a reminder that I don't want to dance with the devil again. I want to burn the pages from the book of past and dance by the firelight beneath the moon and the stars… all the while thanking God for bringing that which is most precious and amazing into my life in His perfect timing.