The Failure of Feeling Forty

Audrey sat, wiping tears as they bypassed her cheeks and dripped straight to her lap. Their fight had been one of the worst in a long time. Not to mention it happened while she was still reeling from an argument two nights prior. Admittedly she was edgier than usual. Everything seemed to be causing tension to heighten inside. She wasn’t sure why. Other than to say she felt empty, there was no explanation. He seemed less patient with her as well. And why shouldn’t he be, this wasn’t the first time she’d gone off on him for seemingly no reason. Audrey’s shoulders drooped further as her heart felt weighted down by remorse. She’d slammed a door that knocked a picture off the wall and broke the glass. She knocked over chairs and even slapped him at one point during their fight. But the very worst part was his response when she yelled that he should just divorce her. For the first time ever, he seethed back, “you might get the divorce you’re asking for!” His words instantly broke her. She fell into a heap of uncontrollable sobs which lasted throughout the night. Even today she sat, unable to think about his comment without her eyes welling with tears and that sickening feeling rising up in the pit of her stomach.
The truth is she loves him. There is no one else nor does she want anyone else. Still, she can’t help but feel unattractive and at times unwanted. Something deep down feels unsettled and unfulfilled. Everything she does feels futile. Everything she enjoys to do is considered a frivolous time consumer, providing no monetary value to their lives. She feels like a failure. Approaching the age of forty she reflects on her life and there is little accomplishment and no achievement worthy of mention. Life is half over and she has done nothing. Nothing. Audrey has tried to explain this to her husband. She’s cried in his arms but her heart has not been seen nor the agony of her soul heard. Last night the frustration of being unable to make him understand came to a head, and she exploded in rage and heartache. She feels let down and unnoticed. She feels everything in their life revolves around his schedule, his work, his desires. “I make the money,” he has said matter-of-factly at times when she has complained about his work schedule. “And what do I make,” she has wondered so many times. Dinner. Carpool. Runs to the grocery store. Nothing of consequence. Nothing of meaning. Nothing worthy of recognition. It all feels like nothing. The failure engulfs her and she falls to her knees weeping again.